Right now, I'm at the bottom of the hill waiting for the Roller Coaster of life to bring me back up to the top but I'm fully confident that I shall persevere! Hey, as Frankie puts it, That's Life!
One of my trials is renewing my work Visa and while rummaging through paperwork, I discovered a list of my Suicide jokes from Gidget Goes to Guelph.
"My opening line was, "Hi, I'm Chester Field, how do you like me so-far?" And so I enter the annals of history playing yet another nerdy nebbish, but this time with more lines, a love interest and a solo! Every night, I had a "I've been a washout since the day I was born" monologue and every night I changed the suicide method for the finale joke. Cast members waited in the wings in order to hear my speech, and this gave me a better feeling than the laughter of the audience."
So because I'm in the doldrums of late, here is the list of jokes that I'd use on different nights during the show's run. A few of them are original but kudos if you can figure out where I stole them from! (I am typing them as I wrote them then, forgive me if there are a few commas out of place.)
"I've been a washout since the day I was born:
-I remember the doctor slapping me to make sure I could cry, and then slapping me a few more times to shut me up.
-I don't think he had a lot of faith in me, for he tied off my bellybutton in a slip-knot.
-Well, during my infancy, my parents decided to have me circumcised. Not because I was Jewish but for sanitary reasons. This always struck me as odd because I don't remember the family butcher washing his hands before the operation.
-My brothers really loved me, they would throw me up in the air all the time. I sometimes wish now that they would bother to have caught me. But that doesn't matter, I always seemed to bounce back.
-I don't think my parents were very good at toilet training me. For years, I would do my business in the bathtub. And believe me, this didn't endear the Bishop towards me during my Baptism!
-My mother decided to send me to daycare. It wasn't because she had to work, she just didn't want me to interrupt her soap operas.
-Well, I went through the normal childhood beatings and had a pretty good childhood...
-During puberty, I remember discovering my manhood for the first time. This embarrassed my mother somewhat, because we happened to be in church at the time.
-At the age of 16, I finally mustered up the courage to come out of the closet. It wasn't because I was gay, that's just where my parents kept me.
-During high school, I always was somewhat depressed and even tried suicide a few times. I remember jumping off our balcony, but since we were on the second floor, I only sprained my ankle.
-I was so down at one point, I decided to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. Well, while they had me on hold, I figured I'd try swallowing a bottle of Aspirin, but after I took the first two, I felt better.
-I would have slashed my wrists, but I couldn't stand the sight of blood.
-The last time I attempted it, I went for a sure fire thing--hanging! Well, the next day, my mom found me unconscious on the floor with a bunch of tiny bumps on the top of my head. Apparently the rope I used was elastic!
Obviously, I survived my High School years and I'll survive this, because I have High Hopes!