The Legend of Hell House.
Way back in my Nova days, I lived in a place called Hell House. This quote is from the movie of this post's title but it applies to that residence as well:
Ann Barrett: What did he do to make this house so evil, Mr. Fischer?
Benjamin Franklin Fischer: Drug addiction, alcoholism, sadism, beastiality, mutilation, murder, vampirism, necrophilia, cannibalism, not to mention a gamut of sexual goodies. Shall I go on?
The actual name of our little one-bedroom hovel with shared kitchen, bathrooms and 100 yen/10 minutes of shower was called Hello House, but the difference is moot.
Because Nova paid very little and our pad was fairly expensive, during the end of the month, we had to find our own entertainment. When I wasn't showing my care package of videos with the most recent episodes of Simpson's, King of the Hill, Buffy, etc., we would sit around drinking. One night, we decided to have a bit of a sake party and everyone contributed by bringing along the aforementioned booze. Little did we know that the cheaper stuff is cheap for a reason...it's for cooking! So we all got tipsy on the hooch and I impressed the gathered masses with a poetry reading: of bawdy limericks that I had written about each of them.
So for this evening's entertainment, I will regale you with those very limericks.
Most are self-explanatory, those that aren't, you'll just have to use your imagination (I can't remember most of these guys & gals.)
There's this one guy, Misha by name.
He's fast, but he's not to blame.
He tried hard to please her,
But as a bad student of Caesar,
He saw, he conquered, he came.
There's a habit I know of Lynette's,
She likes to give more than she gets.
With but a knock 'pon her door,
You'll soon end up on the floor
And won't leave with any regrets.
There's this one girl named Karen Frost,
Within her eyes, you'll soon be lost,
Yet for an Australian dollar,
You'll be hot under the collar
And find it was well worth the cost.
There's this Canuck girl, name of Sibel,
And though I don't know her that well.
If you're down on your luck,
She'll do you for a buck,
And won't care if you kiss and tell.
As for this Yank named Robert Lawton,
There's a question I've often thought on,
"How much does God charge
For an ego that large
And what kind of warranty's it got on?"
A lovely young lass, Kylie Munro,
You should really try to give her a go.
For a few hundred yen,
She'll do what she can
To put on one helluva show.
There is Mark, and he is the boss,
But for the gene pool, a great loss.
For any future progeny,
There sure won't be many...
For he's a master of the wank and toss.
An Aussie boy, Dion by name,
And though you may think it real lame,
He thinks it a curse,
But looks quite nice with a purse
And puts all the poufters to shame.
A disreputable young man named Steve,
If you're wise, best give him leave.
But should you fall into his trap
Beware of the clap,
And that he keeps his thing in a sleeve.
The one in the house, name of Phil,
To him, he gets such a thrill.
He becomes really cocky
When he talks about hockey;
To the rest of us, it makes us ill.
There's a problem with Andrew, I'm vexed...
That when he's being orally sexed,
With a kidney stone, oh so large,
When its due to discharge,
That the back of her head will be wrecked.
In Hello House, a truth here encroaches
And especially as winter approaches.
If I may be so bold,
To say, "It's fucking cold!"
And the only ones pleased are the roaches.
Just so you won't think that I can't be a tad self-deprecating, here is one about me:
Though Mike has been here awhile,
He hasn't learned very much style.
Sure, he has lots of fun
With a jibe or a pun...
One day, they may crack a smile.
One day, I'll treat you to my limericks about my Nova co-workers!